Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS