Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.