Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
This is Sparta
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
never ask a starfish for directions
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*