Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
You Might Also Like
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.