Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
umm…
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Woke up against my better judgment again
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”