Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
You Might Also Like
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know