Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.