Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
You Might Also Like
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex