Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
c’mon!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
weird email i got today
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.