Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.