Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
What is going on? 😅
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.