Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The sacred texts.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Boating season is upon us.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*