Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.