@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.

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@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

@cuntyspice_

the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

@DanMentos

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.