the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.
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the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.