Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.
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Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.
Starting to get suspicious…
What kind of monster still has a VCR?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.