@KamanCider

Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.

You Might Also Like

@Parkerlawyer

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@50FirstTates

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

@samfromks

My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious…

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

@ddsmidt

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@MrJeberling

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

@LinajkReturns

If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.