*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun