Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
A classic…
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread