Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.