Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My typo game is string.
This is my favorite one of these!
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down