Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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