Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

I am all good here, 😂😉

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.