Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.