Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
What kind of a cult is this?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Cinema or bowling
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I feel seen
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.