Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
wtf
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”