Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”