Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.