Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

how much for the angry fruit?

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.