Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

i love dating profiles that are like..

Tooth 32
4 Miles Away

About me:
my name isn’t tooth, i don’t know how to change it

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.