Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
this is the best day of my life
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
A family that plays together cheats.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.