Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Sniffing the broccoli
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
