Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response