Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.