Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”