Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
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My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.