Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
All is fair in drunk and war.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.