Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still