Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t be scared

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

So inspired right now.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

If you know, you know