Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

For the baby who has everything

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.