Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You Might Also Like
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Natural selection at its finest
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.