Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
what’s more important?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
