Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.