Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
#winning
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9