Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*