Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store


[on neighbor’s porch]
I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.


*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.


Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?


bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool


If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.


[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?


Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?