Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.