remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds