remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
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ok this is my dumbest yet
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.