remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
You Might Also Like
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes