@GeorgeScumbag

Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.

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@CoatCzech

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

@KylePlantEmoji

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

@coolauntV

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@javi_draws

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

@ninjadinosaur1

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

@maybe_jenna

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

@kyle_thatisall

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

@parkerismss

security question: who was your first grade teacher?

my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes

@AndrewNadeau0

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.