Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

want me to check your oil?

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Attacked by a mop.