Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

the three genders

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

😂😂😂