@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

I love all my family members and wouldnโ€™t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

@SandwichGhoul

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

@TheDreamGhoul

“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@TuSoonShakur

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

@Schmoodles

I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.

@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

@Vodkantots

If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.