Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story