Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

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I love all my family members and wouldnโ€™t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.


ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico


“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*


Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.


Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT


I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.


Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?


If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.