@_SetTheHook_
@JohnLyonTweets
I love all my family members and wouldnโt sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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@JohnLyonTweets
@Underchilde
*Goes into fabric store looking for girlfriend material*
@Cheeseboy22
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
@SandwichGhoul
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
@TheDreamGhoul
“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*
@_wangwe
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
@TuSoonShakur
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
@Schmoodles
I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.
@thedad
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
@Vodkantots
If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.
It probably isn’t, but it might be.