Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.