Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.