Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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Dispatch: 911 what鈥檚 your emergency
Me: I鈥檓 being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won鈥檛 stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma鈥檃m, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
掳opens glovebox掳
掳slowly pulls out middle finger掳
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: For dinner we鈥檙e having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I need a plethora of Pi帽atas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn鈥檛 say he loved making toast in the bath
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Whatcha doing?! 馃槒馃ぃ馃惗
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
all i鈥檓 saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”