Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

[adds another nod to the conversation]

When you have to use a public restroom.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.