Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…