Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

ATMs should have breathalyzers

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

I’ve been drinking.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it