Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

(2022)

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

😭😭

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy