Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
One venti cheeseburger please.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!