Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
You can’t rush stupid.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
(2022)
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!