Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.