Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

*looks at you in batman voice*

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi