Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
a lot to unpack here
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.