Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I don’t believe him.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.