Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
mood
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related