Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

wut hotdog?

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.