Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

It do be feeling this way.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

that de-escalated quickly

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.