“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.