“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
It’s his time
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out