Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god