Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

No. He’s not coming out to play

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.