Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perfect

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]