Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers