Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

President The Rock Obama

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.