Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
