Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
How it started: How it’s going:
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.