Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
knights of the ikea table
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
i dont have time for this
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale