Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.