Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*seductively corrects your posture*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
