Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.