Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
not for long
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
